What should parental love be like?

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Everyone knows that all parents love their children, and if not all, then most of them – for sure. However, there are many ways to love your children.

If there are selfish intentions towards the child (i.e., the attitude that the child owes something to the parents), then there is a hope that he will ensure the old age of the parents or realize what the parents failed to do, or a demand for reciprocal love is put forward and reverence, etc., then we can say that such love is flawed.

In fact, no one owes anything to anyone. This also applies to children. By and large, if we are already talking about debts (which, as we said, in fact, do not exist), children give adults much more for their care:

  • it is thanks to children that parents experience the wonderful state of maternal (or paternal) love, and the soul receives an experience that cannot be bought for any money;
  • it is thanks to children that parents remember the unconditioned joy, purity, clarity inherent in them in childhood, and even feel this state again;
  • it is thanks to children that parents have a great opportunity to discover altruism, mercy, creativity and other qualities in themselves;
  • it is thanks to the children... (many parents, probably, will be able to continue this list themselves).

What should parental love be like?

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It follows from the above that in fact children give parents much more (and much more valuable things) than parents give children.

Ideally, parental love is not conditioned by anything – parents love their child because they love him, and everything else is secondary.

What should parental love be like?

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However, this ideal love is not so common and is more common in women than in men. It is no coincidence that Erich Fromm, in his book The Art of Love, called unconditional love maternal, and the conditioned paternal. He writes, “Father love is conditional love. Her principle is: "I love you because you meet my expectations, because you fulfill your duties, because you are like me"... Father's love must be earned... it can be lost if a person does not do what from waiting for him. In the very nature of fatherly love lies the understanding that obedience becomes the main virtue, disobedience the main sin. And the punishment for him is the loss of fatherly love.

What should parental love be like?

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Along with the selfishness of father's love, Fromm also notes its positive side: “Since father's love is conditional, I can do something to achieve it, I can work for it; father's love is not beyond my control, like mother's love.

What should parental love be like?

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And now let's sum up a little. For both women and men, the ideal inner state should be motherly love – love that is not conditional. At the same time, in order to solve the problems of upbringing, both women and men (to a greater extent) at the external level must “show” paternal love, otherwise the child can “sit on the neck” of parents.

In real life, it's often the other way around.. Most of us declare our love for a child, putting it on display, as it were, including for the child himself. And at the same time, the internal state of paternal love prevails, which explains the “assaults” on the child with or without reason.

What should parental love be like?

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Ross Campbell, author of the bestselling book How to Really Love Children, writes: “How I wish I could say, “I love my children always, no matter what, even their bad behavior!” But, alas, like all parents, I cannot always say this sincerely, hand on heart. But I have to trust myself and try to get closer to the beautiful goal of unconditional love.

In doing so, I constantly remind myself that:

  • these are ordinary children;
  • they behave like all children in the world;
  • in childish tricks there is a lot of unpleasant and even disgusting;
  • if I try to do my part as a parent and love children, despite their pranks and tricks, they will try to grow up and give up their bad habits;
  • if I love them only when they are obedient and please me with their behavior (conditional love), and if I express my love for them only in these good (alas, rare!) moments, they will not feel that they are always and sincerely love. This, in turn, will make them insecure, destroy their self-esteem, shake their confidence in themselves. Indeed, this can prevent them from developing for the better, in order to strengthen self-control and express themselves more maturely. Therefore, I am responsible for the behavior of my children and their best development no less (if not more!) than they are;
  • if I love my children with unconditional love, they will respect themselves and they will have a sense of peace and balance, this will allow them to control their anxiety and therefore their behavior as they grow up;
  • if I love them only when they fulfill my requirements and meet my expectations, they will feel their inferiority. Children will think that it is useless to try, because these parents (teachers, etc.) will never please. They will be haunted by uncertainty, anxiety. There will be constant interference in emotional and behavioral development. And again, I, the parent, must remember that I am responsible for the growth and development of the child in the same way as he himself, if not more;
  • for my own sake (as a parent who suffers for my children) and for the good of my sons and daughters, I must do my best to keep my love as close to unconditional and unconditional as possible. After all, the future of my children is based on this foundation.”

What should parental love be like?

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It is clear that unconditional love is not given to a person with a birth (with rare exceptions), difficult inner work leads to it, but is the desire to raise a healthy and harmoniously developed child not a good incentive for this inner work to be carried out after all?