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A serious misconception is the principle that many couples often follow: "A bad peace is better than a good quarrel." It is not known what traumatizes the child's psyche more – the divorce of parents or the daily scandals of two loved ones. Psychologists have long proved that the life of children in a family where there are constant scandals causes enormous, almost irreparable harm to children. The same psychologists say that a child, especially a small one, cannot feel good if his mother is unhappy.
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As for divorce, psychoanalysts have long proved that it is not divorce itself that is traumatic, but only its wrong organization. And if it so happened that you are getting a divorce, then try not to make your divorce a tragedy for a child, even if it is a tragedy for you personally.
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It should also be understood that the child has the right to full information about what is happening. False delicacy is useless here, since often the missing information is replaced by conjectures and fantasies, which often turn out to be much worse than the truth. And do not think that a sensitive child cannot bear the truth. How will he handle the divorce then?
Psychologist Ekaterina Kadieva writes about this: “It is very important to correctly tell children about the very fact of divorce, and here several rules must be strictly observed:
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- The decision to divorce is joint, taken by both parents, and not the arbitrariness of one of the parties, which means that there is no victim. This frees the child from unnecessary responsibility for his parents at his age, and with such a formulation of the question, he should not take on unnecessary and traumatic obligations. Be adults, take responsibility for your decision and do not demand any sacrifice from your treasure.
- Your decision to divorce is final, and he cannot change anything here. It is extremely important to clearly explain this to the child in order to save him from unnecessary illusions, the collapse of which can lead to the most dramatic consequences.
- The child does not have to do anything to reconcile the parents, he has nothing to do with it, and, what is extremely important, he is not to blame for anything. It's amazing how many children believe that dad left for another aunt because he, the child, did not study well at school, did not take out the garbage, or was too noisy in the evenings. Accordingly, a fantasy often appears that if you start doing better homework, then dad will come back. By the way, if any changes appeared in the behavior of your child after the divorce, even, in your opinion, positive ones, this is a reason to turn to a psychologist. Maybe he is just growing, or maybe he is quietly, but suffering greatly.
- Parents are no longer husband and wife, but all the same, they are parents and love their child as before, and both of them. Accordingly, it is necessary to immediately discuss how and when the child will be able to see the leaving parent, and no manipulations on the topic “he will only teach you bad things” are inappropriate here. It is clear that it can be difficult to step over your resentment, and anger will blind your eyes. But think about your child: how should he feel if the world around him is collapsing, and the closest people in this situation cause him the most suffering? Who will he trust after that? And why are you so sure that, having become an adult, he will not return this insult to you, and at the most unexpected moment? In addition, it is simply unfair – you are getting divorced, not him, you could not constructively agree among yourself, and it is not clear why he should be deprived because of this loved one. And one more argument in favor of restraining their vindictive impulses: children with such an experience usually do not have a very successful future life, they, even as adults, remain psychologically unstable, dependent, and have low self-esteem. You do not want such a fate for your child? And finally, think about yourself: do not devalue yourself and your past with unworthy behavior and statements – after all, your ex-husband was once good enough to give birth to a child from him...
- Divorce decisions must be communicated by parents together. Sometimes, to our great regret, this is impossible, and then it should be done by someone alone, more sane and responsible, in compliance with all other rules.
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