How to quarrel properly: tips and tricks

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The person lives in society. Each of us is constantly or from time to time surrounded by other people and forced to contact with them, to face other people's opinions and unpredictable reactions to some words and deeds. At the same time, conflicts of interest are inevitable, which means that disputes and quarrels are inevitable.

How to behave in this case? Arranging a noisy scandal is indecent and harmful for further relations, and often not only with the immediate opponent, but also with people around who are not involved in the collision. Among other things, an open surge of aggression entails stress with all the negative consequences for health.

However, hiding negative emotions and trying to ignore conflict can be even more dangerous. Unspoken grievances and claims tend to accumulate, which has a bad effect on the psycho-emotional state, and relations between people do not improve.

The problem can be solved. There are ways to participate in a conflict situation that allow you to "let off steam" with minimal losses for both parties.


1. Speak in writing

Sometimes the person who irritates you is unaware of it. An attempt to make claims to him one day will lead to a protracted conflict: unexpected accusations will cause resentment and a desire to stand your ground, and it will be very difficult for you to understand each other.

If this is the situation, it is worth trying to express negative emotions in writing. The process of creating a text disciplines the mind and allows you to clearly formulate thoughts. The letter can be edited as much as necessary, honing the wording and removing overly emotional phrases. The resulting "sheet of anger" will not contain incoherent angry cries, but a logical list of complaints; ideally, it should also include a description of how to solve the problem.

It is better to write such a document by hand: it helps to concentrate. But sending it to the opponent is not necessary at all. The method allows to reduce the intensity of emotions and eliminates the need for a direct clarification of the relationship. If you do decide to talk to the “enemy”, then you will most likely do it calmly and confidently, with a willingness to compromise.


2. Assess the conflict in terms of the future

The situation that provoked violent emotions may not be as catastrophic as it seems at first glance. In most cases, over time, resentment loses its sharpness.

Try to evaluate your dislike from this point of view. Will you be just as angry and indignant tomorrow? How about in a couple of weeks? If not, you should not immediately go into open conflict. It makes sense to get distracted by doing current affairs, or simply follow the folk wisdom “the morning is wiser than the evening” and avoid stress.


3. Don't fight in front of witnesses

The process of clarifying the relationship cannot be made public. It's not even that such actions look like an attempt to find supporters and use them to influence the opponent, which is incorrect. Much more important is the fact that one of the parties will have to admit that they are wrong, and it is much more difficult to do this in the presence of strangers. By solving the problem face-to-face, you will eliminate the conflict much faster and find a way to agree with each other.

It is absolutely unacceptable for spouses to quarrel in the presence of children: this not only reduces the level of trust in the family and damages the authority of adults, but also causes psychological trauma for the baby. A child involved in a conflict between parents automatically takes the side of one of them and considers himself guilty of betraying the other. Experiences adversely affect the state of the nervous system, lead to a decrease in efficiency, memory, intelligence and can cause serious health problems.

How to quarrel properly: tips and tricks

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4. Refuse personal accusations

It is pointless to quarrel with a person who is acutely unpleasant. Nothing can be solved in this way, you can only create a long-term conflict that is dangerous for both sides.

In all other cases, negative emotions are provoked not so much by the people themselves, but by their specific actions. That is why in the process of clarifying the relationship, one should refrain from going over to the individual. With a calm "debriefing" it is much easier to find a constructive solution and peacefully correct mistakes.


5. Don't offend your opponent

The opponent is very likely to be loyal to criticism of his behavior, if not to say that he is generally a bad person (stupid, lazy, illiterate, unscrupulous, etc). Also, you can not impose on him a sense of guilt ("you do not love me"). Even with the deepest and most sincere resentment, you should not try to hurt in return. This is a dead end path, aggravating grievances and claims, and in the long run leading to a complete break in relations.


6. Feel free to apologize

It is believed that both sides are to blame for the conflict, and this is almost always true for family quarrels. Nevertheless, you do not need to constantly delve into yourself and consider each of your actions “under a microscope”, looking for possible mistakes. A person who lives with a chronic sense of guilt is, in any case, a very uncomfortable partner: he always tortures himself, and provokes others to neglect and other unworthy acts.

However, sometimes it is useful to consider a controversial situation from the point of view of admitting one's own mistakes. If there are any, the surest thing is to be the first to declare one's wrong, to a certain extent disarming the opponent. This act should be deliberate: it is important to clearly state what exactly you consider your mistake, but not take all the blame on yourself. This will help to resolve the conflict, while maintaining mutual respect of the parties. With a person who knows how to apologize in time and with dignity, as a rule, they communicate easily and willingly and very rarely quarrel.

How to quarrel properly: tips and tricks

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The ability to competently get out of conflict situations speaks of a person’s self-confidence and self-sufficiency. People who have mastered this art are less prone to depression, sleep disorders, hypertension and other problems associated with psycho-emotional overstrain.