When choosing a permanent partner, we inevitably choose a certain set of accompanying problems that we will have to face for the next ten, twenty or fifty years. It's no secret that conflicts arise between almost all spouses. What matters is how successful their attempts at reconciliation are.
Often marriages are destroyed due to the fact that the husband and wife, trying to avoid constant quarrels, communicate less and less, thereby moving away from each other so much that the connection between them disappears completely.
In this article, we want to present Dr. John Gottman's point of view on strengthening family relationships. John Mordecai Gottman is Distinguished Professor of Psychology and is world renowned for his work on marital stability and predicting divorce. In his 40 years of practice, he has conducted many studies and experiments with thousands of couples. His work on marriage and parenting has earned him numerous awards. He is also the author of 190 published scientific articles and the author or co-author of 40 well-known books. Gottman is an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Washington. With his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, he heads the Relationship Research Institute.
According to Gottman, partners should find a common ground in the relationship: it is necessary to support the desires and dreams of your companion and devote him to your own plans. When one of the partners, trying to adapt to the other in marriage, hides or completely ignores his personal desires, then sooner or later they will inevitably manifest themselves, but already in a disguised form of a conflict that has come to a standstill.
John Gottman argues that couples who remain happily married for many years have learned to accept each other's flaws and eccentricities as fun parts of his character and personality.
7 tips to improve relationships from John Gottman
1. Seek help early
On average, a couple waits about 6 years before seeking the help of a specialist to resolve relationship problems. As a rule, half of all marriages that delay going to a family psychologist break up within the first 7 years, because they live in a conflict environment for too long.
2. Change your behavior in a conflict situation
According to Gottman, those couples who know how to avoid sharp criticism of each other by discussing controversial topics feel much happier in marriage.
3. Start the conversation delicately
Often the solution to the problem turns into a quarrel, as one of the partners begins the conversation with criticism or claims. A gentle approach to starting a conversation about a problem works much more effectively and is more beneficial in solving it.
4. Listen to your partner's wishes
It is possible to build strong relationships in the family, provided that both partners can compromise, learn to give in to each other. Gottman argues that a relationship is only as successful as the husband is willing to listen to his wife's wishes. A husband's ability to change his plans at his wife's request (rather than the other way around) is critical because studies show that wives are already equipped to take their husband's side. True partnership is achieved only when both spouses go towards each other equally.
5. Set high standards for yourself
From the very beginning of family life, demand respect for yourself. The most successful couples are those who, while still newlyweds, refused to tolerate neglect. Indulgence to the whims and bad behavior of a partner at the beginning of a relationship can only harm family happiness.
6. Learn to end an argument before it gets out of hand
Happy couples have learned to end an argument before it gets out of control. Ways to get out of a conflict situation:
- turn the dispute into a comic form, with the help of humor you can defuse the tense situation;
- hug and reassure your partner with the words "I understand that this is difficult for you";
- support your partner, thereby making it clear that you will not leave him alone with the problem “We will solve this problem together”;
- be wise, learn to retreat in time (in marriage, as in the martial art of aikido, you often have to retreat in order to win).
If the situation during the argument starts to get too heated, you should take a 20-minute break, and return to the discussion of the issue again, but a little later, when you both calm down.
7. Focus on positive emotions
In a happy marriage, when discussing problems, couples say five times more pleasant words to each other than unpleasant ones. A good marriage should have a favorable climate of positivity. Regularly replenish your bank of positive emotions with deposits!
Sources: gottman.com, wikipedia.org
Translation: Factum-Info
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