Are Bickering and Anger Signs of an Unsuccessful Marriage?

Many believe that arguments and outbursts of anger in family life directly indicate an imminent breakup or serious problems in the relationship. However, the results of years of research conducted by a group of American scientists led by University of Washington psychology professor John Gottman reveal a more complex picture. According to their findings, conflicts can also have a constructive nature if they are not accompanied by aggressive behavior, sarcasm, or contempt, which destroy trust in the couple.

As part of their extensive experiment, Gottman and his colleagues analyzed video recordings of conversations with 130 newlyweds. At the same time, using electrocardiograms and special sensors, the scientists collected data on the psychological state of each spouse during the conversation. It was found that anger arising when discussing pressing issues can become a kind of "release" of accumulated emotions, allowing spouses to openly identify problems and find ways to resolve them together. However, certain conditions are important: the conflict should not turn into a game of mutual accusations, insults, or silent hostility, as secrecy, contempt, and defensiveness can accumulate negativity and destroy the marriage from within.

A serious threat to relationships, according to Gottman and his team, is when one partner seeks unconditional dominance, and the other tries to respond with direct confrontation. This effect is particularly noticeable when the wife provokes a negative reaction from the husband, wanting to "prove her point," while the husband takes a harsh authoritarian stance in response. In such a configuration, resentment and misunderstandings easily arise, and tension in the couple increases with each new conflict.

The key to a more harmonious marriage, according to the professor, lies in the ability of both sides to shift the focus from hostility to cooperation. For example, if a man is willing to treat his wife's opinions with understanding and perceive her ideas not as a "challenge to leadership" but as a partnership proposal, this reduces tension and paves the way for mutual compromises. Similarly, women should learn to express dissatisfaction or criticism not in the form of accusations but through respectful dialogue and active listening.

To smooth out tense situations, psychologists recommend using humor and self-criticism: humorous remarks, sincere admission of one's mistake or awkwardness during a quarrel often help reduce the intensity of the conflict. In addition, "conflict pause" practices (for example, agreeing to take a short break in an argument, drink some water, or get some fresh air) allow both spouses to understand their feelings and tune in to constructive dialogue.

Thus, bickering and anger do not necessarily indicate an unsuccessful marriage. On the contrary, properly managed conflict can sometimes become an important mechanism for strengthening relationships if partners are willing to listen to each other, admit their mistakes, and jointly seek solutions.